


Clarity

by Nobodys_Handmaid



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt, mermaid au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 11:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5926398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nobodys_Handmaid/pseuds/Nobodys_Handmaid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He cut the engine, silence falling over the water. The anchor promptly broke it as it was dropped over the side. Lovino returned to the cabin, eyes drawn to the innocuous white envelope he had taped to the window. He ran through the usual checks, frowning a little in the moonlight; even though he was certain nobody would be out here, he didn’t want to risk drawing attention by turning on a light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He cut the engine, silence falling over the water. The anchor promptly broke it as it was dropped over the side. Lovino returned to the cabin, eyes drawn to the innocuous white envelope he had taped to the window. He ran through the usual checks, frowning a little in the moonlight; even though he was certain nobody would be out here, he didn’t want to risk drawing attention by turning on a light.

Satisfied that he would be leaving the boat in good condition, he walked out under the stars. They had never been clearer.

This peace, this stillness, this clarity… It was as good a send-off as any.

He kicked off his shoes, bending to put them neatly out of the way, and then slipped into the water. He had decided that this would be the easiest way; swim until he gave out, and then let the sea take him. No fuss, no mess for his family to clean up.

Lovino kicked off the side and started swimming.


	2. Chapter 2

He wasn’t sure how long it was that he’d been swimming, now. But he could tell from the burning in his limbs and from how much more often he had to steal a quick breath that he wouldn’t have to swim much longer. The sodden fabric of his clothes was dragging Lovino down, down, down… He was losing the strength he had to fight it. Just as he began to go under, Lovino flipped himself around to get a final glimpse of those stars. The salt water stung his eyes and blurred his vision as it rose up over his face; the lids drew over and his body began to sink down, down down. A flurry of tiny bubbles escaped from his clothes and he let the cold water cradle his limbs. Everything slowly faded to black.

***

He had been following the boy from the moment the boat’s engine had broken his doze. Curiosity drew him towards the noise; nobody ever came out here at night. Antonio watched from below as he swam with smooth, confident strokes away from the boat. A flick of his fins had him following, always swimming on his back, and his eyes tracking the boy. 

Antonio noticed when he began to struggle, when those strokes became short and jerky. He frowned in concern when he didn’t turn back, but just plunged on with more determination. 

What was he doing?

And then he watched as the boy began to sink. Something was deeply wrong.

He pushed himself through the water and caught him in his arms. Tail working furiously, he dragged the boy back up to the surface. Immediately, he gasped for breath - but his eyes stayed closed. Antonio swam awkwardly back to the boat, keeping this stranger’s head above water.

The sky was beginning to be tinted with pale greys, and only the brightest of stars were still visible by the time they two of them reached the boat. Antonio knew he wouldn’t be able to get up there, so he waited for the other to wake up. His tail never stopped moving as he held himself in place, shifting his hold on the young man - not a boy after all - so he could hold him above the water more easily.

Eventually, his eyes slid halfway open, the sun’s first rays lighting his hazel eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

The first thing he noticed was the pain in his throat. The next was the little jerky shivers that shook his body from head to toe. He didn’t notice the arms around him until a concerned face blocked out the pale morning sky.

So it hadn’t worked.

Sluggishly, he tried to get his brain into gear to focus on the sounds coming out of the other person’s mouth. It didn’t take long for him to give up on that; it was too much effort, and he was too cold and too tired to try.

 “Hey! No! Don’t go back to sleep! Listen to me!”

The voice rose in volume. He cracked his eyes open again, wondering what had the person holding him so worked up. He could feel himself being moved around in the other’s arms and soon, a hand had lightly smacked his cheek. When that got no response, it did it again, harder.

That pain was enough to get him awake enough to understand what the other man was saying; he had to get back onto his boat, or he would freeze.

Somehow, Lovino pulled himself up onto the deck, muscles trembling. Whoever it was that had been holding him helped push him up from below. He was suddenly grateful for the towels that were always kept in a locker nearby; a chance reflection showed him just how pale he was, and his lips were tinged with blue. Huddled up against the side, he kept expecting to hear the thud of another pair of feet hitting the deck beside him, but as his shivers slowly subsided under the heap of old towels and the Mediterranean sun warmed the air, he was still alone.

The usual heavy summer heat had begun to truly set in when he finally spoke up in a roughened voice.

“Are - are you still there?”

Lovino stood up, a couple of towels around his shoulders like a blanket, and peered over the side. His legs shook, and he kept a tight grip on the hull. When he looked down, he was met with eyes as green as the glass that sometimes washed up on the beach.


	4. Chapter 4

 

Those sea-glass eyes looked up at him with relief and Lovino found himself forgetting what he was going to say as he caught sight of a flash of scarlet moving lazily under the water. 

“I’m… I’m hallucinating.” He coughed a couple of times, tasting salt and resisting the urge to spit it back. He clenched his hands on the side, feeling the smoothness of the paint over the icy coldness of metal. He twitched his toes, grounding himself in the simple feelings. Lovino looked back down and the bright tail was still there, keeping the person who had stopped him afloat.

“You’re not. What were you doing last night? You could have died.” Concern for this stranger rang through his voice.

Lovino looked away guiltily. He wasn’t about to admit that that had kind of been the point. “...Everything was too much. I wanted to get away from it for a while. I guess I just didn’t realise how tired I was getting.” The lie rolled awkwardly off his tongue, bolstered by the little grain of truth he had added.

The merman’s eyes narrowed, but he didn’t press for more. “...Be more careful next time, okay?”

“Sure.” He shifted uncomfortably, not really wanting to go back home just yet. “How did you…?”

“I usually hang around here. It’s got some nice little nooks, and not many boats come up here.”

“So… Say I wanted to find you again…” He paused, the silence settling uncomfortably between the two.

“I’ll be right here.” He softened. “And don’t try anything like that again, yeah? I bet your family wouldn’t want you missing.” With that, he let his torso fall under the water and swam away - but only so far as to hide under the boat, just in case.

He stayed where he was for a while, just breathing. His hair stood stiffly from the drying salt water, and he could feel patches of skin tightening under the sun. He’d get home, have a shower, and then let what happened sink in. Or pretend it never happened and try to go on, as usual.

Eventually, he returned to the cabin and yanked the envelope down from the window. The tape stayed stuck to the plexiglass, with a strip of paper still stuck to it. Lovino went out again and tore it in two, dropping the letter overboard. He turned away to get ready to return home before he could see the hand snatching the paper away, or the streak of bright yellow that darted away.

It was a little underhand, Antonio knew, but he wanted to confirm his suspicions.

Everything was soon ready to go, and now all Lovino had to do was figure out how to explain this all away when he got home.


	5. Chapter 5

 

It had been incredibly easy to pass his salt-stiffened hair and clothes off as an unfortunate accident after an early-morning swim. Feliciano had pouted, asking why he hadn’t woken him up to join him, and Lovino had retorted with an unfavourable comparison to a rock. Their grandfather had then informed Lovino that, if he still smelled of seaweed in twenty minutes, his breakfast was going to be donated to the family wolfhound.

It was a very old, very empty threat, but Lovino was still down at the table soon after, smelling of whatever fruity or floral concoction Feli had chosen the last time they went shopping. He’d found it hard to care about bodywash.

Their grandfather set a large, sweet caffé latte down in front of him and ruffled his damp hair affectionately.

“Nonno!” He protested.

“You will always be my adorable little grandson, Lovino.” He teased. “No matter how big you get. And so I reserve the right to do this - even at your wedding!”

Ah. Guilt.

The door closed as Feliciano came in from letting out their handful of chickens. Upon seeing that his brother already had his coffee, he immediately draped himself over his “Most favourite big brother ever” and began to make puppy eyes.

To which Lovino responded that he was, in fact, his  _ only  _ big brother and took a pointed gulp of the drink. The younger of the two pouted and went to his own seat to wait.

“So have your friends said anything about that invitation?” Rome asked, once breakfast was down and all three of them were filling themselves for the day ahead.

“Yes! I want to meet all of your friends from university, Lovi!” Feliciano beamed.

“Ah - they’re… They’re actually all busy.” Lovino lied.

The truth was that, even after two years, he still didn’t know anyone all that well. He was pretty sure that, back when he was still in school, the only reason he’d had friends was because they were all locked in the same classroom for five days a week.

Not that he hadn’t got on with them; it was just that, well… He wasn’t exactly the most likable person on the planet. And so he had left Rome this summer with about as many friends as he’d had when he first arrived, two years back. He wasn’t about to tell them though; they had to think he was doing well there, both in his studies and outside of them.

It made him feel so damn weak; he shouldn’t be affected so easily by other people! But… It was hard. He often felt like there wasn’t a single person in the entire city that cared, and no way was he gonna call home feeling like that. He’d probably start snivelling like some pathetic little baby and get his grandfather stealing an aeroplane or something to get to him. For the past couple of years, he’d been making excuses about why his ‘friends’ couldn’t visit; sick family members, going or living abroad, conflicting schedules, etcetera, etcetera.

It sucked.

And he couldn’t rely on Feli dragging him along with him to socialise any more; he was going to Florence to study art this coming autumn, widening the gap between them.

Which sucked even more.

 


	6. Chapter 6

He spent most of the day doing not very much, still recovering from the night before. As he went over and over what had happened, he found the doubt swelling up inside him.

No matter how real his arms had felt, or how bright his tail was, or even the brush of the currents stirred by his tail, Lovino couldn’t bring himself to accept that - that  _ mermaids _ were real. It was impossible. The exhaustion had to have had him hallucinating. Mermaids simply couldn’t exist.

And yet… And yet…

It  _ had _ felt real when it happened. And  _ something _ had to have taken him back to the boat - unless he had just been swimming in circles.

It wasn’t like he’d been focusing on anywhere in particular; for all he knew, he had never been more than a metre away from hitting the hull. 

At about two, he had thrown himself onto his bed, looking up at the ceiling Feli had decorated _years_ ago with stickers and blu-tacked pictures. Lovino had been _so_ _pissed off_ when he found it, but he’d never had the heart to take any of it down. And, when he was in Rome, in the loud, busy city that always seemed to be brimming over with fat sunburnt Germans, other damn foreigners getting in the way with their little plastic cameras, and - most irritating of all - people complaining that ‘nobody speaks English!’, where it felt like no-one had a fuck to give about whether he lived or died - this was one of the things he missed most. When the lights of an ambulance bled through his blinds, he missed the soft light of the glow in the dark, sparkly cat stickers that were liberally sprinkled over in one corner. His eyes would search fruitlessly for the soft lines of the portraits his brother had drawn and blu-tacked above his pillow. The little gold-edged, multicoloured stars that burst from one wall in a spray of colour were achingly absent.

It was just an empty room with a bed, a desk, and a pinboard. Cold and a stark reminder of just how alone he was. Not home.

Lovino rolled over in his bed with a sigh, burying his nose in the pillows and inhaling deeply. He closed his eyes and let his body recover from the exertion he’d put it through.  He wouldn’t sleep for long; just half an hour, tops.

***

Three hours later, and Lovino was groggily climbing out of bed. Feliciano’s voice had jerked him awake; he was saying something about going down to the beach and trying to pick up girls.

“Yeah, yeah. Be with you in a moment.” 

He thought he could remember roughly where it was he’d anchored the boat; maybe this would be an opportunity to see whether or not he had made the rescue up. If the mermaid had been real, and telling the truth about usually hanging around there, then he should be able to find him again.

He grabbed his Italian flag trunks and quickly got changed, slipping a light t-shirt on and grabbing a towel. He was soon down by the front door, waiting for his brother so he could kick on his sandals and leave. Feli bounced over, wearing bright board shorts.

“Oh~! You’re wearing the ones I got you~!” He chirped, overjoyed.

Seeing as his others were still in the dirty laundry pile, and there was  _ no way in hell _ he was wearing the bikini the little shit he had called his best friend in secondary school had given him as a joke, it wasn’t really a surprise. 

“Of course I’m wearing them, silly.” He bent down to buckle the straps, letting the sound of his brother’s voice wash over him without absorbing any meaning from it as he did so.

As they walked down to the beach, Lovino was turning the problem over and over in his head. Feliciano would notice if he took out the boat, so he had left the keys at home. It was too far to swim, so that was out, and he still had to think of a way to get away from him so he could see if he really had been making the whole thing up.

Well… Their neighbour had said they were always welcome to borrow his little sailing boat. It was small enough that he’d easily be able to handle it on his own, and the wind was going to be fairly strong. He could also, if needed, do a little paddling to get it moving in an emergency.

When they arrived, he looked around for a distraction, eyes alighting on a group of foreign girls. They seemed to friends on holiday with each other, and about the brothers’ age. He quickly steered Feli over to them. Not long after introductions and learning that it was their first day here, he slipped off.

It had been a while since he was out in the boat, but his body still remembered what to do, and it wasn’t long before he was skimming over the waves towards the place he had been anchored the night before.

Lovino felt no guilt about running off like that; his brother was in his element, chatting up pretty girls, and he doubted his absence would be noticed. But then again, there had been that dark-haired girl, he mused as he let out the tension in the sail. She was hanging on the edge of the group, but Lovino was fairly sure that, given the chance, he’d be able to get her out of her shell. He decided to do just that; have a quick swim around here to confirm that he’d made the whole thing up, then go back and give the tourist girl a taste of the real Italy.

The sail was now flapping, and he gave it even more rope before securing the line. Lovino looked around for people and, seeing none, slipped carefully into the water. He’d keep a close eye on the boat, and never go too far away from it as he swam.

He hadn’t even been in the water for five minutes when another head broke the surface.


	7. Chapter 7

He refused to look down, not sure whether he really wanted to know if he had made up the whole merman thing.

“I didn’t get your name, last time!” The possible merman smiled. “I’m Antonio!”

“...Lovino.”

He sounded real enough.

Antonio folded the Italian into a hug - allowing Lovino to confirm that he  _ felt _ real enough as well.

His bare foot brushed against something smooth that was definitely not a leg as he was treading water.

He risked a glance down.

There it was; a bright scarlet tail that faded into a sunny yellow on the dorsal side.

“I wasn’t making it up.”

Lovino hadn’t realised that he had said it out loud until Antonio pulled back with a laugh.

“No, I’m real!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be a myth?”

Antonio shrugged. “Just because you’ve never seen anything doesn’t mean it can’t exist.”

So.

He had indeed almost succeeded in killing himself. And then been rescued by this surprisingly cute fish. Now what? Antonio… He didn’t know what Lovino had been trying to do, last night.

“Lovino~”

He snapped his focus back onto the merman.

“You went really far away for a moment!”

“I was just… Thinking.” He mumbled, backing up a little.

…

They didn’t talk about much, and Lovino was soon catching the turning wind back to the shore. He did end up taking that group of girls out with Feliciano, and he did also end up having a great evening with that dark-haired girl. They turned out to have exactly the same kind of snarky humour and just spent the evening ruthlessly tearing people apart with their observations, which got less and less distinct as the night wore on.

There weren’t many places where youths could go out at night, but the few that the town had were definitely worth going to. Drinks weren’t overly expensive, and the music was usually good.

Not that the latter mattered when the majority of your group was shitfaced due to overindulgence in the former.

Breakfast the next morning was fun.

Lovino hadn’t drunk enough to suffer, but Feliciano…

He paled at the thought of food and had his eyes almost fully closed, eyelashes filtering out most of the bright Italian sunshine.

Was it morally wrong to laugh at someone suffering like this? The idiot had brought it on himself, after all.

Feli’s head dropped to the table, muffled whining about even his  _ teeth _ hurting coming out from underneath.

Lovino’s hands shook with repressed laughter as he slotted slices of bread into the toaster. “Regretting last night,  _ caro fratellino _ ?” The lever made a satisfying clunk when he pressed it down.

As the only one able to function, for once, he took it upon himself to make sure that neither of them were suffering more than he had to be.

“Uggghhhh… Why must it all taste so  _ nice…”  _ Came the muffled whine from the dishevelled miserable heap on the table.

There had to be some tomato juice in the fridge somewhere…

Lovi let out a satisfied “Hah!” when he found it, and poured two large glasses. “Oi, Feli. Drink up.” He tapped his brother’s arm to get his attention.

“Noooooo… I’m never drinking again…”

“...It’s literally just tomato juice, you moron.”

Had Feliciano not been in enough pain already, he would have tapped the back of the idiot’s head.

“It’s not alcoholic, idiot. Drink or it’ll just get worse.”

“Don’t wanna…” He complained.

“So help me, Feliciano Vargas, if you do not drink that juice, I will strap your mouth open and pour it down your gullet myself.” He growled.

“So  _ loud _ …” He complained, one hand coming out to flail hopefully around for the drink.

Lovino rolled his eyes and guided him to the cold glass, folding his hand around it. “You’re gonna have to lift your head if you want to drink.” He ignored the whine of protest and went to get out the butter, setting it on the table just as the toaster popped. He watched out of the corner of his eye as Feli sipped slowly at the juice.

Good.

Toast onto plate, plate onto table, take toast, apply butter, eat.

Easy.

Feliciano had swallowed about half of the juice, and he looked at the plate in front of him.

“ _ Yes _ , there’s enough for you, too.” He groaned. Good thing he’d refilled it; once the hangover was gone, he was bound to be ravenous.

His younger brother clumsily buttered up the bread, getting crumbs  _ everywhere _ .

…

That evening, he went out again to talk to Antonio.

And the next.

And the next.

They never really talked about anything, but their conversations grew longer and longer.

The gift-giving started when Antonio confessed to the great crime of never having eaten a tomato. The evening after said confession, Lovino turned up with a small pot of cherry tomatoes from their own garden. Antonio reciprocated with a pretty shell gleaming with mother-of-pearl hung on a length of what seemed to be fishing twine. He dropped it over Lovino’s head and felt a little warmth of satisfaction as the necklace settled in the perfect place.

While he was lying in bed, thinking back on it, Lovino could feel his cheeks warming and his lips twitching into a smile. The soft glow of moonlight caught on the stickers on his ceiling, and he could imagine that he was staring, awestruck, at the stars dancing in the water.

He slept better than usual that night and the weight of Antonio’s shell lay comfortably on his chest.


	8. Chapter 8

He cut the engine, silence falling over the water. The anchor promptly broke it as it was dropped over the side. Lovino returned to the cabin, eyes drawn to the innocuous white envelope he had taped to the window. He ran through the usual checks, frowning a little in the moonlight; even though he was certain nobody would be out here, he didn’t want to risk drawing attention by turning on a light.

 

Satisfied that he would be leaving the boat in good condition, he walked out under the stars. They were just as clear as they had been in what felt like a lifetime ago.

 

This peace, this stillness, this clarity… It was as good a send-off as any.

 

Months had passed from that first night, and he was due to leave for Rome the next day. Lovino had cancelled the tickets the moment his grandfather had left the room, and he had only pretended to pack while he drafted, re-drafted, and finally wrote his letter.

 

_ Nonno, Feli. _

 

_ Don’t cry for me. Don’t think you ever could hide your tears from me, baby brother. I’ve always known. Nonno, take care of him. Beat up the bastards who hurt him for me. _

 

~~_ Fuck, this is hard to write. _ ~~

 

_ I love you both, okay? Don’t ever think that any of this was your fault. I just can’t handle this.  _

 

_ I’m sorry. _

 

_ I’m sorry I’m weak enough to leave you like this. I’m sorry I can’t be the brother or grandson that either of you deserve. But I can’t go back there. This summer - you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. But it’s a good note to end on. _

 

_ I’m headed to a better place than Rome - and there aren’t any gods in this place, before either of you start heading to a church.  _

 

_ I love you both more than I can say. _

 

_ Lovino. _

 

His name had been scrawled messily as his hands began to tremble. They hadn’t stopped as he sealed the envelope or taped it to the window.

 

He kicked off his shoes and quickly stripped down to nothing, the necklace Antonio had made for him being the only thing he kept. Gooseflesh prickled at his skin as a cold breath of wind raised his hair. He leaned over the side and waited.

 

“Hola.” 

 

Antonio’s head popped up above the water, his voice soft and gentle.

 

A flood of relief went through Lovino’s body and he carefully slipped into the water, feeling more exposed than ever. He trod water and sculled closer to the merman, close enough for him to brush their lips together in a fleeting kiss.

 

“D’you have it?” He murmured.

 

“Of course. Remember what I told you? Just eat it, and you’ll be like me.” Antonio held his hands out, cupped around a hastily uprooted clump of seagrass with small brick-red flowers.

 

“Including the dirt and sand?”

 

He laughed and shook his head. “It should be enough - I asked for a spell to augment its powers.” 

 

It was like eating cold, slimy rubber. Lovino choked a little on a clump that the strands had made and forced it down into his stomach.

 

“Do you trust me?” Antonio cupped his cheek and looked close into his eyes. 

 

Speech stolen by the lump still slowly being pushed down his throat, Lovi nodded. 

 

“Good.”

 

Without another word, the merman forced him underwater, swiftly dragging him deeper and deeper down. Pain flared up along the length of his sides  and he struggled, trying to kick back up to the surface. His eyes, scrunched up tight, were itching and his legs were getting stiffer and stiffer.

 

“Open your eyes.” Antonio murmured into his ear, arms locked firmly around his body.

 

Lovino shook his head. 

 

“Open your eyes and take a deep breath.”

 

What?! He didn’t even know how far down they were! 

 

“ _ Do it. _ ” He growled, letting go with one hand to tug on Lovino’s earlobe. 

 

His eyes snapped open in shock.

 

He blinked a couple of times.

 

Antonio’s idiot,  _ stupid _ grinning face eventually made its way into focus, but it was  _ weird _ . He blinked again, trying to work out what this feeling was. It was almost as if there was something  _ over his eyeball _ , like a stupidly big contact lens.

 

“Breathe out. The air in your lungs is going to affect your buoyancy.” 

 

A stream of bubbles tickled their noses, and Antonio loosened his grip.

 

There was no urge to breathe in again. “Do I have -”

 

“Gills, like me? Yes. A tail, too.”

 

“ _ What?” _

 

He looked down; there it was. Red at the front, just like Antonio’s, but, he discovered with a little contortion, fading through to white at the back.

 

“It’s  _ beautiful _ .  _ Damn. _ ” 

 

“ _ You’re _ beautiful. Come on;  my friends want to meet you.” Antonio grinned in excitement, easily swimming closer to steal a kiss from his love. “You can learn to swim properly on the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an epilogue to go!


	9. Epilogue

**Three years later**

 

Feliciano sat down on the pier and patted the smooth, sun-bleached wood beside him in a silent order to sit.

 

“Feliciano, you still have not -”

 

“Sit down, Luddy. Then I’ll tell you.” He promised, a slightly strained quality to his voice.

 

There was a rustle of fabric and a soft thump when Ludwig did as asked. Feli took his hand and allowed his usual carefree mask to drop. “I want to introduce you to my brother.” He told him.

 

“Your… brother? But I thought he was -”

 

“No longer with us, yes.” He was blinking too often, trying to keep himself in check. “We never found his body…  _ This  _ is where I feel closest to him, not his - not  _ the  _ headstone.” His voice wobbled and he clutched his boyfriend’s hand tighter.

 

The blond didn’t say a word, only folding his other hand over Feliciano’s in a silent gesture.

 

“He… He wanted me to be  _ happy _ , told me not to cry.” A tear splattered onto the boards, creating a dark and uneven circle. “But I keep letting him down.” Feli sniffled. 

 

Ludwig was at a loss. 

 

“But I didn’t bring you here to cry about my failures…” He took a deep breath, the nails of his free hand biting deep into the flesh at the base of his thumb and getting enough control back to push a soft smile onto his face. 

 

His boyfriend sighed at this; he’d been trying to break that habit. “I told you; you do not need to smile all the time.”

 

“Lovi wanted me to be happy.” He insisted. “And we’re here to talk to him.” He stretched up to kiss his cheek and turned to face the open sea. 

 

Ludwig pressed his lips together, still unhappy that he was pushing away his sadness.

 

“Lovino… I brought someone to meet you. He’s very important to me. I’ve already talked to you about him  a few times before, but here he is - he finally agreed to come here and stay with us for a week.” Feliciano’s grip on his hand tightened. “Luddy… He’s a medical student, like you were. He takes care of me and stops me from doing anything too stupid. I think you’d like him - after you get over your hatred of Germans.” He laughed for a second to himself and turned to look at his boyfriend.

 

The silence hovered in the air for a moment that stretched out until Ludwig realised that Feli wanted him to speak. To talk to this memory of a dead brother who was the reason Feliciano could never express any kind of negative emotion without feeling guilty. The truth behind the scratches down the small man’s arms and the almost perfect mask on his face and the scarring in his heart.

 

But there was nothing to gain in berating the dead.

 

He cleared his throat. “Lovino… I cannot tell you how much I love Feliciano. He is…” 

 

_ Broken. _

_ Strong. _

_ Brave. _

_ Lost. _

 

“... More than I deserve.”

 

Sometimes, a single course of events splits down into two paths; in one universe, the couple stayed at the docks for a little longer, until Ludwig had wrestled the last word he could think of for Lovino out of his mind. They spoke together a little longer, and they went home. They lived… Happily enough, for the most part. Ludwig did his best to help Feliciano stop feeling so guilty, to get some cracks in that mask. Feli never stopped feeling that ache in his chest where his idolised older brother was missing. His smiles were rarely genuine. Nonno Vargas lost the second of his grandsons in a car crash on the way back from his and Ludwig’s honeymoon. Ludwig took care of him until he died. Not once did they have any suspicion that Lovino had lived. Why would they?

 

In this universe, however, Lovino had the courage to come out from the shadows under the planks where he had been listening in. He was nervous, and couldn’t stop thinking about all of the ways in which this could go horribly, terribly wrong.

 

But he still did it.

 

“Damn right he is!”

 

“L-Lovi?” Feliciano sprang forwards, crawling over the boards on hands and knees. He could barely believe this. “Luddy, do - do you see him, too?”

 

“Ja…”

 

The younger of the two brothers was crying, and desperately trying not to. His nails pressed down the barely visible scars that lined the length of his forearms and Ludwig cursed silently for having become lax in ensuring that they were too short to do any damage. He caught the other’s wrist and pulled it away to lace their fingers together.

 

“Whoever you are, this is a cruel joke.” The German growled. “Pretending to be his dead brother -”

 

“I never fucking died, you moron!”

 

There was a loud splash as Feliciano threw himself into the water, letting go of his boyfriend’s hand. He wrapped his arms tightly around Lovino and went through a cycle of sobbing, catching himself, beginning to speak, and then sobbing again.

 

“Th-Three  _ years _ !”

 

“I know. I’m sorry, Feli.” His own arms wrapped around his little brother tightly. “I was scared.” He mumbled, so low that he could barely be heard.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us before you - you  _ went _ ?”

 

“...I wanted you to think I was happy. I’m - I’m so sorry.” His breath hitched in his throat. 

 

“Was the truth really worse than having this - this  _ hole _ inside me?”

 

All Lovino could do was apologise. 

 

…

 

The sun was setting. They’d been out there for hours, and he still hadn’t worked up the courage to tell his baby brother exactly what he had done. The knowledge that for the past three years he had been living happily with Antonio while he abandoned his family sat heavily inside him. It was made even heavier when he noticed the scars down his arm where, he could guess, he had scratched deeply enough to tear into his own skin. The dark lines were broken up by a few new welts and little crescents that Feli had given himself as they talked. Heavier still when he saw the accusing looks from the blond guy he had brought with him.

 

“Come on - we’ve got to get home. Your bedroom hasn’t changed since you… left, you know. It just needs dusting, and the spiders can be chased out too! Everything -” His voice hitched for a second and tears threatened to spill down his cheeks.

 

Ludwig caught his hand and held it close.

 

“Everything can go back to the way it was. Nonno’ll make dinner for all of us, and we can talk and laugh and be a real family again!”

 

“...No, it can’t. Not unless you get a fishtank in the kitchen.”

 

“A - A what? Lovi, what are you talking about?”

 

He sculled backwards. “This is… Why I survived. It’s also why I’ve been too scared to let you know.”

 

“What are you talking about, Lovi?”

 

He leaned backwards in the water, and the scarlet side of his tail rose up to the surface. He flicked a few drops of water at them with his fins before quickly righting himself. “I’m… Technically not human any more.”

 

“You could at least tell him the truth about why you  _ abandoned your family _ .” Ludwig growled.

 

“ _ I fucking am! _ ” He managed to haul himself up onto the boards, a dark puddle swelling out from underneath him. “Look at me! Does this thing look like it has legs inside it? Am I wearing a costume?  _ I have gills!  _ Those aren’t something you find in a normal human being!”

 

“It’s… Longer than your legs ever were.” Feli sat back down next to him without hesitation and hugged him tightly. “Fratellone’s finally taller than me again!”

 

“What do you mean  _ again _ ? I’ve always been taller than you.”

 

It wasn’t easy to work their way back into being a family, and Ludwig never stopped blaming Lovino for what he did. Somehow, eventually, they made it all work. Antonio was introduced to the rest of the family, and even though it took a long time, their bonds began to heal.

 

That’s not to say that Feliciano wasn’t angry, after the shock of having Lovino come back from the dead had worn off. More than once, their conversations devolved into the younger brother just  _ screaming _ at the older, until his voice was broken and his throat was hoarse and all he could do was sob.

 

Whenever they talked, their significant others were always close by to hold them afterwards. To gather up the pieces and keep them safe until they could find a way to get back together on their own.

 

Their grandfather accepted him back with a hug and a murmur in his ear. “I don’t blame you. I should have noticed.”

 

That only made the guilt worse.

 

And he thanked Antonio for saving the life of his grandson, too.

 

When Feliciano and Ludwig got married, they insisted on a beachside wedding in Spain. Not long after that, Antonio began to look for a way that he and Lovino could join his family on land.

 

It took a couple of years and the promise of a favour each to a powerful sea witch, but one evening Feliciano helped the both of them step onto land. It took a moment for Lovino to remember how to walk, but Antonio had to be helped through the village in borrowed board shorts and flip flops. 

 

That night, the Vargas kitchen table was full for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS ONLY SUPPOSED TO BE ~500 WORDS WRAPPING IT ALL UP HOW THE HELL DID IT GET TO ALMOST FOUR TIMES THAT


End file.
